o t ne me m

I have this condition. I know who I am. I know where I'm from. I just can't make new memories. I already told you about it, didn't I?

Fuckin They Nose

You know, when you listen to a song, a song you've listened to a hundred times before, and suddenly you have an epiphany? This song describes me, perfect, you think. And you listen to it over and over till it means nothing again. Becomes an overplayed song with a ghost image of something you thought was acroamatic.

It also happens with movies. It happens with anything, I guess. Anything that strikes the right chord. But you watch that movie, and all of a sudden it is your favorite movie. Maybe you don't watch it again right away, but you advertise it to everyone. And they watch it and fail to see what you were so excited about. “I watched it. It was OK...” But but, you persist. That movie made me THINK! I relate to it like nothing else! It's me, all me, perfect.

And today I watched a movie. I've seen it maybe a hundred times. It was Donnie Darko. And I got that same feeling. The feeling I got when I watched it the first time. The feeling I got when I watched it every subsequent time. I love this movie!

Anyway. Ferris Bueller's Day Off is still my favorite movie. But Donnie Darko is in my top ten.

“Every living creature dies alone.” -Donnie Darko

Think About It

In my line of thinking, the use of the word "we" is mostly irrelevant. We never think about these kinds of things.

We don't usually...

No.

We don't do anything.

I can't speak for the group's perspective anymore.

I talk about this all the time. We hate to think of it. I'm talking about death. The inevitable. The children in their hospital death beds with their one last wish. The list of things you want to do before you get old. That one thing you have to do before you die. That desperate, grasping, final breath.

The cold dead fingers that still refuse to let go.

The last laugh.

We've got problems.

This is what I'm talking about. Who wants to live forever? Not I. Not after fully realizing the truth.

Not that I want to kill myself or something. I just want to die. Is there a term for that? Suicidal subtract tendencies. A death wish subtract the wish. Really, I want to grow old faster. I want to die sooner. And never look back. Never be caught up in this world of desire, grabbing for things to hold on to that I know in my heart won't follow me into death.

I don't want to be avenged. And I don't care if we[you] feel sad about it. Why don't you try grabbing me before I go. Maybe you can tear a chunk of flesh from me, to keep, for later. A bone to chew on. Or hope I might leave you lots of money or stuff when I go. Something to remember me by.

Something to chew.

Think about it.

It's got you sssssssmokin'

When everything you thought you wanted starts to work out perfect... when you reach your peak, that pivotal uplifting moment, when the whole world is holding hands, that's right about the time the depression starts.

Lately I have been reading and re-reading an article I wrote when I was 16 called The Meaning of Life. I relate this to the buddhist concept of sunyata, and the end of a J.D. Salinger story called "Teddy". Note "buddhist" is not capitalized. The buddha within tells me not to capitalize it. Only religions are so high and mighty that they feel the need to capitalize their terms.

Anyway, I know I am not ready yet. I have been a being a long time, but this lifetime is not the one that will carry me out of Groundhog Day. I know this because objects still appear to have an end. Because the worldly desire of life and death still seems extremely appealing. Because I started to put half-and-half in my coffee again. Because I have not smoked a cigarette in months, and I yearn for a truckload of them (why did I ever stop?). Because Roberta Flack isn't killing me at all.

At one point, the loss of emotion had struck, and I knew I was close. But the demented have polluted me. And now I get angry at the people who care so much, because they just don't understand. As J.D. Salinger puts it, you're all apple-eaters. Lose your fucking logic, world.

"Who am I when I ought to know?"
- Ben Folds Five

Becoming

For me, re-creating this website was a trip down memory lane. I looked back at a lot of stuff I wrote and crazy animations I created and thought, God Damn, I made this? Keep in mind, a lot of this stuff I created when I was 15 and 16, and I'm now 23, just now looking back.

If you read my "news" blurb you are aware that not everything on this site works yet. There are also some features that have yet to be added, like an email subscription list. All in good time my friends.

And I know this blog page scrolls horizontally. I can't seem to fix that. But everything you need to see fits on the page, so just know that you don't need to bother scrolling.

At the moment the contact page is not working right. In the mean time, you are welcome to leave me feedback either through comments on this blog, or through myspace. http://www.myspace.com/schtink

How do I look?

I hate to say it, but I think it's time I move away from myspace. Especially if I want everyone to be able to read my blog from this spectacular site. Wait, why do I hate that?